Moving Soon

I’m so excited, my husband is so close to getting his license. In the state we live in you have to do 6 hours of drive time with a driving instructor, he’s doing his second drive time right now (each one is 2 hours long, he only needs one more before he can get his license).

We currently live with his mother, which I’m NOT a fan of. I’m not happy living here, I fel very anxious at home all the time and I don’t feel comfortable leaving our room. We also have way to many things for the small room we rent (we pay her $500 a month).

We already have a car since his brother gave us his old car when he bought a brand new one. So we just need him to get his license and to start looking for a place of our own. We plan at looking at apartments, mobile homes, small houses we can buy, and we’re also going to look at rent to own houses. I’m currently building up my credit score for when we buy our own place.

I’m hoping that we can at least get a small house or a mobile home, I don’t really want an apartment. I’m willing to do that though if it’s all we can afford at the moment because I refuse to live with his mother much longer. I like her, I just don’t like living with her. I also hate that she just takes our car to go out on weekends, the only day we have off work.

My husband isn’t to big on the thought of moving since his mother doesn’t have a job right now. She quit her last job almost a year ago and her other son that lives here doesn’t pay much rent and doesn’t help around the house. But it’s happening, his mother will just have to get a new job. I love him, he’s my best friend but I can’t live with his family much longer. I feel like I’m losing my mind here. 

Plus I’m super excited to have all that privacy with him, I can’t wait to have a whole home to ourselves. To actually be able to cook dinner together and eat at the kitchen table. Watch movies in the living room, decorate the house however we want. 

My Husband: My Best friend

My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire world. I’ve had “best friends” before, but it never felt as good as it does with my hubby. He doesn’t make me feel complete, I feel complete on my own; he just makes me feel better. He makes me feel happy, he makes me laugh no matter what I’m feeling, and my life just feels better with him.

We got engaged after only being together for two months, but he was my best friend for a while before we started dating. I knew he was the one the first time he talked to me though, I still remember our very first conversations. We were in high school, I had just moved to that school district, so I Haven’t made friends really so I was sitting by myself at lunch. He came and sat right in front of me with a big goofy smile and asked me if I could guess what he brought for lunch, when I asked him what, he pulled out a container and said very excitedly “SUSHI!!!”. I honestly think that it sums up our relationship very well; we’re both very awkward and goofy.

Our wedding was probably the most awkward thing in the world. My mother insisted we had a real wedding instead of a court wedding like we planned. It was beautiful and I’m so glad I was happy to have the wedding, but no one really told us what was going to happen and what to do. Someone had to keep coming up to us and telling us during the ceremony, like the lighting of the candles, walking out and around the building, first dance, stuff like that.

I’ve noticed lots of changes between us, as a couple and as individuals. We’ve gotten so much better at communication and we have a plan for the next year, unlike before when we were just winging it. He’s doing better with being responsible with money and he’s been actually playing his guitar again and teaching himself to play the violin. He got his license for a walkie rider at work and got the raise that comes with it. I’ve been taking care of my health better. I’ve also learned how to do multiple different things and gotten a better job (same place as my husband, but before hand I was just working in the deli at Wal-Mart).

I just can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives together is going to bring us. It’s only been a short while but a lots changed already, we have the rest of our lives together, a lot more will change. I’m excited to go through all this with my best friend, I wouldn’t change my life for anything in the world. Even if there’s some things I don’t like, it’s what lead me to him, not many people get to marry their best friend.

I hear from a lot of people in my family/life it’s bad to get married young. Thing is most of the people that’s said that are older women who’ve gotten divorced or are in unhappy marriages. Funniest part? They’ve gotten married after 25 and were unsure going into their marriages. I’ve been sure since the day I’ve met my husband, he was never just my boyfriend. He’s always been my best friend first, that’s how we make things work. You need to be friends first, lovers second, at least in our situation.

Struggles Of Friendship

So recently I’ve been trying really hard to make friends with other women at my work, since it’s really the only place I go other than home. I’ve been copying things I’ve seen other people do in conversations, ex: showing interest in them, looking in the eyes once in a while, comparing stories, etc. I actually thought I did make a few friends, I was so excited and told my husband about it and mentioned that I was gonna ask one to hang out with me sometime.

Well I’ve been wanting to get my nails done, and I know for a fact (facebook post and overhearing her conversations with other coworkers) that she wanted to get hers done to and that she recently asked someone to go with her (they couldn’t because of the holiday that just passed). So the other day I asked her if she’d like to go get her nails done with me, figuring since she’s already asked someone she wanted company. She told me no, she likes to go by herself to get it done; but offered to get high with me in the parking lot at work before clocking in sometime… No thanks, I don’t want to lose my job. So I suggested maybe hanging out and doing something else, no she’s busy. Yet I’ve seen her post that she’s very bored and wants someone to come hang out with her.

I’ve also tried talking to old friends from high school (they all kinda stopped talking to me after graduation) and none of them have answered except one that lives in PA. So it’s kinda hard to hang out with her. We did make plans to meet up once it’s warmer so she can finally meet my husband and I can meet her boyfriend; so I’m excited for that.

It’s really frustrating though, I’ve always been told the reason I don’t have many friends is because I don’t try. I’m trying my hardest though, and yet I still don’t have any friends and people I thought were friends are making excuses to not hang out with me. I love my husband with all my heart but I would like to have a female friend to go do things that my husband doesn’t wan to do. Like shopping, getting hair or nails done, maybe just go hiking when it’s warm and he wants to go hang out with his friend.

I don’t know what else to do, I really want friends but it’s so hard. I don’t even understand why they don’t want to be my friend. I want to do the same things they do with their other friends, I think I’m pretty good at conversations, I mean I’ve gotten better at conversations lately, I’ve been practicing and watching other people so I’d know what to do.

I know it’s the autism, and that I’m still slightly awkward but come on, lying to me and then posting things on facebook asking people to hang out after telling me your to busy? You could’ve at least blocked me from seeing that post or something, kinda feels like a giant “fuck you” if I’m being honest… I offered to just hang out, I just didn’t want to get high before work. It’s not like you can blame me for that, we work at a freaking warehouse, it’s dangerous and you’re more likely to get hurt and have to take a drug test if you’re high. I know what I used to get high before work at my old job I’d mess up more than when I was sober.

I guess I should just be happy I have plans for when it’s warmer out, though I really do want to make friends that live near me. It’s hard to make plans with someone who lives in a completely different state than you do, guess it’s a good thing we both have jobs that are scheduled Monday-Friday.

My Plan For 2018

     So like so many other people in this world I have set up what you can call “resolutions” for the new year. Most of my goals really have to do with my marriage and my living situation.

     First thing on my list is to start therapy again and get officially diagnosed with my aspergers (I never went to the appointment to get it officially dignosed). Once I’m dignosed I want to apply to get disability and move to part-time at my job. I work at a warehouse and the pay is really good, I just can’t take the mandatory over time but it’s a really good job and I don’t want to lose it, but I’m having a really hard time with the full-time hours. So this way I’ll be able to keep the job and still be making enough money.

    I also want my husband and I to do couples therapy. We don’t really have many problems, it’s just hard for us to communicate (mainly because of my autism) and I think it would be good for us to learn how to communicate with each other. I have trouble understanding what he means and he’s not good with explaining, every couple has problems with this but we have extra hard time because of my autism. So this is something I really think we should do to strengthen our relationship.

Another thing we’re sorta working on now is looking for a place to either rent or buy, just depends on what we can afford. We’re just waiting for him to get his license, we already have a car that his brother gave us. Thing is, he’s the only one between us trying to get a license, I don’t have one and I don’t have a permit either. I don’t feel comfortable with driving and I just know I would get in an accident so I’m just going to rely on him and uber for rides. Once he has his license we’ll be moving out of his mothers and into our own home.

I also want to work on myself more. I want to gain more weight, I keep slipping into my old anorexic behaviors without even noticing, I want to work on that more and gain weight. I want to look healthy, maybe even a little fluffier like most girls my age. I also want to dress better and maybe do my make up a little more. I feel like I just let myself go way to much, I mostly just wear sweat pants and hoodies with no make up. I want to look better and actually see myself as attractive. I’m tired of always hating how I look, and I need to do more about it. This year I’m really going to stick to it. especially if I want to have kids sometime in the next few years. I need to be healthy and to be confident with myself to be able to raise a family.

The last two things I really want are:

to make friends. I’m tired of only having friends at work who don’t talk to me outside of work, I want friends to go hang out with once in a while. Go get our nails done together, go shopping, hiking, whatever. My husband is the only person I hang out with other than my mom, dad, and sisters. I want to change that, I want to have friends; I’m always jealous of other women my age who have friends and yet I don’t have any. I also want my husband and I to do more in the BDSM & DD/LG community. I’m kinda tired of it really just being me fully into it, I want my husband to get more into it. I want to have more than just one onsie, one paci, and one sippy cup. I don’t want it to be just him watching me being in little space, I want him to be more daddy. I also want us to make more friends in the community, I want to have little friends and maybe my husband make friends with other daddy’s.