My Divorce

I’m done with him I really am.. I don’t want him back after everything he’s put me through, but it hurts so much. He was my best friend, I loved… No I do love him still, I just can’t be with him. He was my everything I did everything for him, I loved him more then anything.

First he’s gotten nasty with me multiple times after the wedding, a few times people have seen it or heard it. I forgave him every time, even when he choked me…. I recently found out he was cheating on me with my best friend, which is why I agreed to the polyamory & let people think it was my idea because he didn’t want other people to know it was his idea. Now he decided he doesn’t love me at all & wants a divorce, I’m hurt but fine I let him have his way, I cry about it but I constantly tell them I’m happy their together & happy.

We decide to keep living together because I can’t afford rent here along with my 17 animals, he agrees to it, few days later he goes to his mothers house after work.. I was drinking because I was sad & he wasn’t around so I could just lay around & cry.  He comes home all upset saying I’m manipulative & brainwashing him that we’re both leaving the apartment & he’s going to take all my animals to the shelter… It was crazy. I stood my ground & I’m staying at the apartment so I can keep all my animals. My dad, his fiancé & her daughter are all moving in with me since my husband left me with no money.

I’m just so heartbroken that he completely changed after getting married.. I really thought he was a good person.. two and a half years & he just changed over night.. Even though it’s a good thing he’s gone I miss him more than anything… I don’t know what to do without him, he’s the only friend I really had other then my friend that he stole… now I’m just alone, even with my dad here I feel alone, I have no actual friends.. I kind of made a mistake after he left… I started talking to my rapist because he used to be my best friend before he raped me & I didn’t know what else to do now I don’t know how to end it..  It hurts so much to not have my husband around.

I don’t know how to stop hurting, no matter how much I remind myself that it’s better this way it still hurts. How does someone just stop loving their wife.. We were only married for 9 months.. I don’t understand… One day he was telling me he loved me holding me & kissing me.. Next day he hates me & just cuts me out of his life along with my best friend he cheated on me with…

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Pets

So I have a ton of pets! I currently have 8 with the plans to get a few more. I finally talked my husband into letting me turn our second bedroom into a room for all of our animals. It’s mostly set up except I haven’t moved my lizard into the room yet and I’m still waiting for my guinea pigs new cage to arrive.

Right now I have my guinea pigs in a play pin with a foam mat underneath with a fleece blanket as a temporary cage. I ordered all the parts for a C&C cage for my piggies, and I’m so excited for it to arrive in the next two weeks. It’s two floors with a total of 10 feet throughout the entire thing! I really hope that they really like it.

I have my bunny in a homemade dog pen cage with foam tile underneath with a fleece blanket. It’s about 16 feet in total, Though I do plan to add the guinea pigs temporary cage to the rabbits cage once their new cage arrives.

I have my birds in the cage I’ve had for them the last two years on top of a dresser that I don’t use anymore. I want to get them a new cage, a bigger one, but I think I’m going to wait a few months before doing so because I haven’t decided what size I want it to be yet. it depends on how much space is left in the pet room after I get everything fully set up and in there.

I have my bearded dragon in a 25 gallon tank until he gets bigger then I’m going to upgrade him to either a 40 gallon breeder or a 75 gallon tank depending on what will fit on the racks I’m getting to put his cage on in the pet room.

I’m getting a 5 shelf racks for my pet room to put my bearded dragon on and to store pet supplies on. After it’s all set up I’m going to buy a plastic storage bin and turn it into a hamster cage and get a Syrian hamster, which I’m really excited to get. I love building cages and I love all my furbabies so much.

 

Busy

Living on my own with my husband has been a lot more busy that I thought it would’ve been. I’m not complaining though I really enjoy it all, I love doing everything with my husband. Things have changed a lot since I’ve last written on here so here’s just a quick update.

My husband and I decided to open our relationship into a polyamorous triad, if we can find a women we both like. We did find someone, a friend of mine from when I was younger; but she’s kind of being indecisive so I’m not sure if that’s ever going to happen.

Another thing is that we now have 8 pets and plan on getting a 9th one in a few weeks. We now have two cats, two guinea pigs, and two birds, a bunny & a bearded dragon; they’re all so sweet and get along real well. I plan on getting a hamster after I finish setting up the pet room & building the cage for it. I’m getting a new couch this weekend and next weekend I plan on getting storage shelves for the pet room to put my lizards cage on along with the hamsters cage. I’m going to be building the cage out of a storage bin, I been watching tons on videos on how to do it and I’m excited to do it.

Also we’ve decided to stop trying to have a baby. There’s a really high chance that if I have a child they’ll have a birth defect that can make their life really hard and I just don’t want to do that to my child if it can be prevented. We might become foster parents later in life & adopt but right now we’re just enjoying being together and having all of our pets. I’m not really sure I want to be a mom anymore, though it’s always been a dream of mine; I just don’t feel like it’s a good decision since I have a lot of health problems and our working schedules would make it hard to care for a child. Maybe later in life we’ll be ready but right now I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore.

Also! My husband might be getting a new job through the state. He had an interview a few days ago and he said it seemed to go well, hopefully he gets a call back. The hours and pay is a lot better than our current job. My husband and I also decided that if be does get this job I can change from full time to part time at my current job!

Also I’m getting really sick of his mother. I haven’t seen her since we moved out but he’s went to see her a few times. Every time he talks to her she keeps asking for us to “help her out” financially, and I’m getting sick of it. She has one of her sons living with her that pays her rent, another one sends her money every month and she has a part time job! She doesn’t need anymore money! She also tried to put a loan she was trying to get out in my husbands name without telling him! I was so pissed off.

 

An Apology To My Body

To my body,

I’m so sorry for everything I put you through the last 20 years of my life.

I’m sorry that I cut you when I was under stress and having bad anxiety, I’m sorry I starved you and didn’t feed you the nutrients you needed.

I’m sorry for the over sleeping or not sleeping enough.

I’m sorry for all the scars I’ve given you, that will never go away.

I’m sorry for sleeping with all those people, for putting myself in bad situations and getting raped- getting pregnant to young and miscarrying; I realize it wasn’t my fault entirely but I should’ve kept myself safe and not stayed there overnight for a week by myself, it could’ve been avoidable, but I was young and dumb.

I can’t change what I’ve done to you in the past, but I will do better for the future.

I’ll feed you when you’re hungry, I’ll never purposely cut you again.

I’ll only have sex with my husband and take care of you when I become pregnant.

I’ll stop avoiding the doctor when there’s something wrong, and I’ll make sure you’re healthy.

 

We Moved

We finally moved into our own apartment! No more living with his mother & brother, now we’re on our own! I’ve never been happier; I’m actually comfortable walking around and being in the living room/kitchen. My animals are even happier, both of my birds are singing again, my cat is playing with his toys again this is the best thing ever.

My husband and I even stopped fighting so much, when we lived with his mother we fought at least once a day. We moved in a week ago and only gotten in one argument and I feel like it’s just because we were tired and trying to put together furniture, not a good mix; and we got over the fight really fast.

The apartment is really nice, the only thing I don’t like is that there’s not a lot of storage space in the kitchen. We got a two bedroom apartment so we have a guest room, and possibly it’ll be a room to our future child when & if I get pregnant.

Also since we’ve moved in I had more ideas for the novel I’m writing, I’m finally relaxed enough to start writing again.  I’m also having a house warming party next week and a few of my friends from work are coming along with my family. We invited my mother-in-law but she said she didn’t want to come, and when we moved she didn’t come over so I’m guessing she’s to mad and just not going to visit us. Kind of pisses me off, she’s still acting like I’m wrong for not allowing my husband to give her money every month. But it’s whatever we don’t live with her anymore so we don’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore.

My Novel

I’m on chapter five of my novel and I realized something about the plot and how I’ve been writing it. The way I wrote it, it doesn’t go with how I want the plot and story to go so at work I’ve been thinking how I want to fix it. The only problem on changing how I wrote it I have to delete everything but the chapter I’m currently writing and the prologue. Though I have edit chapter one and add stuff to the prologue, which I’m unhappy about but in the long run it’ll make the novel a lot better.

I’ve decided to get rid of the main characters boyfriend, so the first chapter he’s going to break up with her. I felt like the way I was writing it just sounded like she was recovering because of him and that’s not how I want it o go. I want her to recover for herself, not for anyone else.

Hopefully this doesn’t set me to far back in the writing timeline I have set for myself. If it does though, at least it’ll be a lot better then it is now. I want this to be different from other eating disorder recovery books I’ve read before, for it to be unique and not the same as everything else. I was following everything I’ve read beforehand making it almost identical to the stereotype recovery. This is going to be different, only thing I haven’t decided on yet is if I want it to be a really long book and include things from after her recovery or write a whole separate book of what happens after she recovers.